(Re)Views at a Glance

A quick look at the status of recent consumer trends:

SUNSHINE : (+3)

PRO : Sunshine is enjoying steady consumer satisfaction and popularity. The phenomenon of relatively cloudless skies allowing access to the light emanating from the celestial orb around which the planet Earth revolves is especially popular among Frisbee players, beach-goers, plants that -through a complex biological process known as photosynthesis - rely on said light for survival and prosperity, and people who won't stop complaining about the rain.



CON: If the relative obscurity and box office failure of the Danny Boyle film named for sunshine, "Sunshine", is any indication, then sunshine's popularity may be dwindling. Sunshine is also unpopular among certain demographics, like my friend Dennis.


ABOVE: My friend Dennis




THE HEAT : (+0/-0)

PROS: It's not the heat.

CONS: It's the humidity.

(It's actually both)





COMPLAINING: (+17)

PRO: Complaining - which is considered by many to be one of the most reliable or "bankable" trends on the market - is enjoying a healthy growth period thanks to the inconsistent weather patterns that are customary for this time of year in the Northeastern region of the United States. Complaints enjoy surges both in popularity and enthusiasm this time of year as those who have a yearly habit of forgetting that the weather pretty much always goes straight from winter to summer spend an overwhelming amount of time express their displeasure about the heat/lack of heat/rain/lack of rain. The most common venue for these complaints has traditionally been the workplace, specifically in the "good morning exchange" common to many typical office environments.

As such, Person A might say "Good morning, Person B! How are you this morning?/How was your weekend?/'Sup?". During low-complaint periods, Person B might be expected to respond, "I'm fine/It was fine/Not much. How are you?" However, during high-complaint periods, Person B is 87% more likely to respond, "Uggh...it's so fucking HOT!!! What happened to the spring?!! Blaughgchh...", usually while rolling his or her eyes. It is not recommended that Person A remind Person B that there never really is a "spring" in their particular region of the globe.



But complaining has grown even more popular and pervasive thanks to advances in communication technology, such as Facebook. Now, rather than just complaining when ostensibly invited to do so, an individual may complain to all his or her friends and acquaintances at once via a status update. It is estimated that at least 72% of all status updates during high-complaint periods reference the individual's unfavoring relationship to the weather. Typical status updates at this time include "(Person A) wonders why we had to skip the spring", "(Person A) thinks its (sic) way to goddamn hot out", and "(Person A) is ready for summer to be over already".

Seasonal complaining is boosted and sustained by the persistence of "evergreen" complaints carried over from low and medium-complaint periods, such as those targeting politicians, gas prices, Christians/Atheists/Agnostics, babies, anything to do with cellphones, George Lucas, and people.

CON: A small but steady population of counter-complainers, fond of saying things like, "Hmm...well, why don't you just shut the fuck up and stop complaining?" or "Yeah, that's too bad for you. Hey, did you hear about all those people dying in Africa?" or "Yeah, that's too bad. You know what else is too bad? There's this war going on in Iraq where people are dying violent, horrific deaths for no reason on a daily basis. And also, y'know...cancer and stuff" or "Deal with it" stands as an ever-present threat to complaints. This movement has, however, not witnessed signficant growth or traction since being established to counter the persistence of complaining as a cultural phenomenon, which began in the 1970s.

AICN Reports: "Recent M(R)V Post Soon to be Outdated"

Really?

'The big news? Big stuff happens. I deem this the biggest episode of “Battlestar Galactica” yet produced.' -Herc, at AICN

REALLY?????

Frak.

New John Cusack in Development??

Friend-of-the-blog Justyn Zolli alerted us to this fascinating potential new John Cusack!

"The latest John Cusack to appear may well be the politically progressive, tell-it-like-it-is, I've-had-enough-of this-bullshit John Cusack, a Cusack we can all relate to; in short, THIS John Cusack." -J.Z.



Curious...
Thanks, Justyn. And you can be sure that M(R)V will keep a close watch on this potential story as it develops!

On "Women" - Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal, the senior Women's Issues correspondent for "The Daily Show" (also that chick from "Flight of the Conchords"), recently presented this groundbreaking achievement in journalism, undoubtedly bound to be immortalized by her sure-fire Pulitzer and Peabody wins.





Brave and thought-provoking. It's clear that Women continue to hold the interest of the market.

The Most Recent Episode of "Battlestar Galactica"

Overview: OMGs!!!




Dude...

Oh my Gods that was unbe-frakkin'-lievable.

Okay, so FIRST of all...like...the Bill Adama-Laura Roslin thing????? Okay, TOTALLY cried. She was all "I love you". And then it was sort of weird that Bill wasn't like "Dude, I TOTALLY love you, too, but, like...obviously", and instead he just sort of looked at her all I-love-you-ly, and then kissed her head. But I think maybe Bill is unable to say "I love you" to anybody, 'cause he's all Admiral-y and stuff? Plus he's had kind of a tough life.

But he did say "It's about time..." which was pretty badass.


Above: Oh...I LOVE them!!!!!!!!!

I sorta wanted them to make out, though, but I guess it's okay they didn't because they are kinda old, and that would be sorta gross I guess.

And, seriously, like...Lee and Kara were BARELY in the episode and Leoben wasn't AT ALL and it was still just so totally great.


Above: Stop fighting, Lee and Kara!!!! I hate it when you fight!!! :(
P.S. Where were you guys on Friday???...

And how awesome was that to see Helo finally having some frakkin' balls??? Dude...
And all that stuff with him and the 8s? Where he was all like "whoa, holy shit, look at that roomful of my wife?" Weird, dude. Helo must have some shit on his mind right now.


Above: Oh, yeah! Remember this part? Where this Six is all like "RAH!" and then the Eight/Fake Sharon was all "RAH RAH" and Helo's like "I'm conflicted..."

You know who we haven't seen in a while, though? Galen. Where's Galen? That's kinda frakked.

Seriously, though. Jane Espenson??? Jane Espenson is totally amazing. She should get like a million Emmys. For serious. Man...


Above: Here's Jane Espenson being all like "Hi, I'm Jane Espenson. You may remember me from all those awesome episodes of "Buffy", "Angel", "Firefly", and "Battlestar Galactica" that I wrote, and also from the fact that I totally kick so much ass.

And OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!! D'ANNA!!!!!!!!!!! D'Anna totally kicks so much ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy frak, how AWESOME was that when she resurrected and totally KILLED THE HELL out of Cavil???? Awesome . Cavil totally sucks. D'Anna rules.


Above: Oh, gee Cavil....looking a little scared there. Worried that D'Anna might come back and OWN you??? Yeah? Maybe 'cause she TOTALLY did. KILLED, bitch!!! Killed!!! Eat it, motherfrakker.


And is it just me or, seriously, is James Callis' portrayal of Gaius just getting more and more awesome? Seriously, give that dude some awards. And like, when he was dying and he was all like "Oh, hey, by the way, Laura, I'm indirectly responsible for the annihilation of the human race but it's all good 'cause God loves me," and then Laura's all "OMGs" and is about to let him die and then she has that personal revelation and she's all like "Oh, I can't let Gaius die 'cause then I'm no better than him" and she saves him? Man...


Above: James Callis being all like "Hi, I'm Gaius Baltar, and I've officially boarded the 11:15 Express to Crazytown"

Good stuff.

But seriously, D'Anna is totally awesome.


Above: Here's D'Anna being all like "I am D'Anna. I am Xena-Cylon. I'm totally going to OWN you, bitches."

OH MAN, and when she TOTES "Punk'd" Laura???? When she's all like "you never knew you were the last Cylon?" and Laura's all like "OMGs, for serious? It all makes so much sense now and..." and then D'Anna's all like "PSYCHE!! Dude, you believed me??? HAH. Word. I totes punk'd you".

That was great.

I wonder how Gaeta's doing, by the way? Remember 'cause his leg was amputated a couple episodes back? That was sad. I hope he's okay. Also, I'm pretty sure he's a CYLON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Did you see that one coming?!!!!! Word...)

But dude...Best. Episode. Ever.

Seriously.

Rating: *********************** (out of 4)

Bottom Line: D'ANNA RULES!!


Ohhhhhh...and I love this picture, too....



Old people in love are so cute/kinda gross/cute again...

John Cusack

Overview: The first John Cusack was publically released to an underwhelmed and largely uninterested market in the forgettable 1983 Rob Lowe film "Class". A second attempt to unveil John Cusack would follow one year later in the 1984 teen cult-classic "Sixteen Candles". In this reboot, a less jarring and more subtle approach was taken. John Cusack was introduced into a background of a largely Molly Ringwald-based landscape. The "wait, who was that guy?" approach paid off, and, in the ensuing decades, many variations of John Cusack emerged, tapping into the consumer needs of multiple demographics. Is there a John Cusack for you?


Above: Does this picture instantly make you start singing, "Love...I get so...LOST...suh-huuumtimes...These...EYES...and this emp-tee-ness fills myyy heart..." ? The answer is, "yes".

Early attempts to establish a successful John Cusack -from which other version would later emerge- were inconsistent and flawed at best. The under-stated "Sixteen Candles" John Cusack allowed for something of a blank slate. It was obvious to all who had caught sight of that John Cusack that there was "something there" that held a great deal of potential.

But the early John Cusacks kept going in the wrong the direction. Following "Sixteen Candles", the public was presented with such minor and mostly unsuccessful John Cusacks as 1985's "The Journey of Natty Gann" John Cusack, which attempted to emphasize the raw, nearly universal appeal of those doe eyes and disarming demeanor, but did so in such a way that it played down the guy-your-mom/best-friends-would-love aspect. "Natty Gann" John Cusack also attempted to infuse John Cusack with a kind of rugged masculinity, a failed effort that would be dropped until 1997's "Grosse Pointe Blank" John Cusack.


Above: Think of this as kind of the "Super Mario 2" of John Cusacks. I mean, it's GOOD, but...


1985 also saw such John Cusacks as the "Better Off Dead" John Cusack and the "The Sure Thing" John Cusack, and later, in 1986 the "One Crazy Summer" John Cusack was unveiled. In all, these John Cusacks played unevenly with the ideas of self-depricating hopelessness and quirky sex-appeal that would later be implemented in more successful John Cusacks.

For several years, attempts were made to give up on establishing a broad-appeal type of John Cusack, and John Cusack was largely relegated to use in off-beat, quirky, or otherwise non-John Cusack-type movies ("Tapeheads", "Eight Men Out", "Broadcast News").

The dream of perfecting John Cusack was all but abandoned until, in 1989, a brilliant young writer-director named Cameron Crowe employed John Cusack in his off-beat romance, "Say Anything". The response to this John Cusack was overwhelming, and analysts agreed that, simply by using such successful John Cusack elements as doe eyes, a disarming demeanor, and a sense of self-deprication and mixing in such subtle elements as a classical romantic vulnerability, a trenchcoat, Peter Gabriel songs, and memorable, idiosyncratic snippets of dialogue such as "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen", Crowe had all but perfected the John Cusack ideal.

"Say Anything" John Cusack would by no means be the last, but it certainly created a template on which all successful future John Cusacks would be based.

The elements that make for the best John Cusacks usually include:

• An almost preternaturally great taste in pop music
• A sense of self-deprication
• An aura of subtle, sometimes veiled nerdiness
• A hard-to-pinpoint -though not threating- edginess
• Those eyes...
• Joan Cusack
• A general preoccupation with heartbreak/hearthache
• Romantic vulnerability thinly masked by a trenchcoat/being a hitman/lots and lots of records
  

To date, the most popular John Cusacks are "Say Anything" John Cusack, the darker "Grosse Pointe Blank" John Cusack, and the "High Fidelity" John Cusack, all of which incorporate the above features. In fact, the nearly-revolutionaty nature of the "Grosse Pointe Blank" John Cusack was considered a bold and daring move, what with all the killing people, but worked by contuining to be faithful to established John Cusack norms.

Above: Don't be fooled by the gun! I mean, I know it looks bad, but he's still TOTALLY heartbroken. And, see? He's reading "Discover". Aww...see? He's a nerd!

But oddly, the popularity of these John Cusacks is in no way consistent with gender or age demographics.

For instance, "Say Anything" John Cusack could be just as popular among 16-year-old indie-rock girls as among 35-year-old male Wall Street douchebags. Likewise, this John Cusack may secretly be the favorite among 20-year-old straight male college students who are not as yet quite secure in their sexuality who thus pretend to prefer the more aggresive, edgy, and masculine "Grosse Pointe Blank" John Cusack. Additionally, the "Gross Pointe Blank" John Cusack may be the ideal among 25-year-old single women who like the simultaneous fact that John Cusack is the kind of guy her mom would love, while "Grosse Pointe Blank" John Cusack is the kind of guy her mom would hate (but actually secretly love, for real). Yet other 25-year-old women seem to favor the classic "Say Anything" John Cusack, largely those women who are already married, as this John Cusack presents them with a relatively realistic ideal of what actual men actually look like, thus helping to offset the dwindling attraction they feel to their once-attractive and now sort of average-at-best husbands, while simultaneously reminding them of the bold, sweeping romantic gestures they will never, ever be able to enjoy again.

It is best, then, to assume a case-by-case perspective when analyzing what sort of John Cusack is best suited for each individual.

Do not assume that age, gender, or even geographical origin will be reliable indications of a person's John Cusack preferences. As, for example, the woman who totally broke my heart totally hated the almost-univerally beloved "High Fidelity" John Cusack, (with whom I totally identify, largely due to his obsession with heartbreak, TOTAL obsession with pop music, self-deprication, seeming inability to commit to anyone or anything, and lack of awareness that he's actually sort of been an asshole to a lot of women in the past -except, of course, the ones who actually deserved it- and that's why his relationships keeping ending miserably) simply because his ex-girlfriend took him back even when he acted like a douche-bag, which, when I think about it now, really should have told me something at the time. And she's from Chicago, too! Where not only "High Fidelity" is freakin' SET, but where John Cusack is from. And where John Cusack is basically like the deified emperor for life among anyone worth knowing. But whatever.

Above: Basically, I do this a lot...

Anyway, the point is that the solid foundation of classic variations of John Cusack have allowed for a lot of creativity in expanding the John Cusack appeal. In the time since Cameron Crowe's breakthrough John Cusack, we have seen the sexually-awkward and off-putting "Being John Malkovich" John Cusack (which still miraculously maintained elements of the classic's seething romantic idealism, if in unorthodox ways), the unlikely action-star "Con Air" John Cusack, the non-John-Cusack-y though-still-romantic "Pushing Tin" John Cusack, the John-Cusack-brilliant-as-Nelson-Rockefeller in deeply underappreciated Tim Robbins-directed movies "Cradle Will Rock" John Cusack, and the similar in-an-actually-GOOD-latter-day-Woody Allen-movie "Bullets Over Broadway" John Cusack.

There are even watered down and more populist versions, like the not-especially-good but still thoroughly-winning and perfectly enjoyable and at-least-Jeremy-Piven-is-in-it "Serendipity" John Cusack. In many cases, these departures from John Cusack norms are often wisely anchored to traditional John Cusacks through the incorporation of Joan Cusack, thus narrowly averting any potential threat to the winning and successful John Cusack formula.

Above: Seriously. Great movie. Nelson Rockefeller. He's great. You should see it.

It is best to think of these lesser and more specific John Cusacks as gateway John Cusacks, designed to lure a wider and more diverse audience to the more sophisticated John Cusack orthdoxy.

What's important to remember, however, is that no matter how versatile and genuinely useful something like John Cusack is, the market will enivitably turn up such dissappointing and unworthy John Cusacks, such as the "America's Sweethearts" John Cusack and the "Martian Child" John Cusack, which should be avoided at all costs.

Above: Dude...I don't even know what to say. You're just awesome.

Rating: **** (out of four)

Bottom Line: Not even a million "Must Love Dogs" John Cusacks could ever tarnish the memory of Lloyd Dobler/Martin Blank/Rob Gordon/Lloyd Dobler again.

Get To Know M.(R).V. Contributors

We stumbled upon this great and informative biography of one-time guest blogger and friend-of-the-blog Ann Coulter.






-Click here to read Coulter's M.(R). V. post!
-Click here to read Coulter's Bio, and those of some other fine contributors to society!

The Week in (Re)View

Awesome TV Shows: In the shocking, two-hour season finale, which aired last night, Jack and the CounterJack finally reunited, and a shocking revelation was made about the fate of the CounterJack and the shocking effect this has on Jack. Shockingly, several beloved minor characters met their fate. We won't reveal who, but we won't say one of them wasn't Jin, either.



Above: Oh, Jin...sad pandas. You will be missed. :( Um, I mean...I didn't say anything.


According to early reports, everybody watched the finale, boding well for the Awesome TV Show's future. Here's to what I'm sure are 7 or 8 more 22-episode planned seasons!


Heroes: The finale also included a trailer for upcoming Hero movie "Batman Begins Returns", which, if you haven't seen the trailer yet...well, you have, so it's sort of ridiculous to even bring this up. But if you want to see it again, I've stealthy hidden a link to it somewhere in this paragraph! How cunning are you? As The Joker would say, "Riddle me this, Batman!"




The Bible: 80s teen-sensation turned 90s evolution nay-sayer Kirk Cameron has been making the media rounds lately! Cameron is a devoted fan of the popular fantasy novel "The Bible", and has lately been singing the praises of his weekly fan convention, "Church", all the while discrediting another high-profile organization of Sci-Fi fans, "Scientologists". Some of his remarks can be found in this article, which probably will not anger, annoy, or frustrate you in any way!




Cameron, who starred in and produced the successful adventure-SciFi franchise"Left Behind" movie adaptations, seems to think Scientology, which posits that mankind is actually a descendent of lost race from an ancient intergalactic federation and all their problems are the result of having been poisoned by ghost aliens, is a "false" religion, unlike his own, which posits that mankind was made out of clay by an all-powerful wizard and that all their problems are the result of taking the advice of a mean talking snake in a tree and eating an apple.

He has explained that much of his turn to "Christianity" had to do with many of the "immoral" plot lines of his former sitcom "Growing Pains". We assume he is referring to the episode where he almost but doesn't make out with his baby sister's babysitter, who he later goes on to date, or where Mike's friend Boner almost but doesn't use cocaine at a party, or perhaps the latter-day episodes where Mike becomes a teacher for inner-city students, one of whom is Leonardo DiCaprio.

Pretty racy stuff, Kirk.

Anyway, for more on why bananas prove evolution isn't real, follow the link.


Women: This is the moment they've (or, you've) all been waiting for! At long last, we're guessing based on the all the media coverage and that we've been hearing about it more lately than usual, that the "Sex in the City" movie is coming out this weekend, or maybe today, or perhaps a couple of days ago or some time next week-ish(?)!

At long last, we'll find out if Ron Livingston is that guy they keep calling "Mr. Big", or if it's that vaguely-ugly dude who seems kind of old...Chris something? North? Toth? Boothe? Or could it have been John Corbett. He was on that show, right? I miss "Northern Exposure"...


Wait no longer: After what feels like maybe a year since the show ended, we will finally find out what happened to Amanda, Sandra, Carolyn, and of course, Kerry!


Above: This is it, right? That's them? Because it seems like one is missing or something. Did her character die? Or, wait, does she die in the movie?

Heroes

OVERVIEW: Heroes! They live in shadows, perched on the rooftops, guarding the night like the gods of old! They seek not reward, nor fame, nor glory...they seek only to protect, to bring justice, and occasionally to find treasure, overcome personal inadequacies, or bury psychological demons associated with childhood trauma. With the new, out-of-nowhere Hollywood blockbusters "Iron Man" and "Indiana Jones and The Alien Skull-Thing of Doom", Heroes* really seem to have captured the minds (and wallets!) of the American public. What's that up in the sky? It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a market trend!

*but not the NBC show "Heroes", which has by now been largely forgotten

Go to your local Megaplex these days and you're not likely to find too many Rom-Coms*, Period Dramas, or Indie-Docudramas.

*industry speak for "Julia Roberts/Kate Hudon movies"

No, Hollywood has taken a bold step forward. Capitalizing on the general popularity of Heroes in the wake of 9/11*, the major movie studios have gone Hero-crazy. No fewer than all movies slated for release this summer feature some sort of Hero, whether they be the Super variety ("Iron Man", "Batman Begins Returns", "The Incredible Hulk", "Hancock"), the Anti variety("The Incredible Hulk", "Hancock", "Wanted"), Hometown ("The Happening", "The Promotion"), Unlikely ("Kung Fu Panda", "Don't Mess with the Zohan", "Get Smart", "WALL*E"), Post-Feminist ("Sex and the City", "Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl", "He's Just Not That Into You"), Tortured ("The X-Files"), Archeologists, or Brendan Fraser ("Journey to the Center of the Earth", "The Mummy 3").

*NOTE: the sorts of Heroes associated with 9/11 don't actually have movies made about them. Or, well, sometimes they do, but they're directed by Oliver Stone and sort of suck.

Other types of Hero not featured in movies include Guitar and War. The former tends to exist mostly within the confines of the imaginary relationship between socially awkward twenty-somethings and their Playstation 3, while the latter tends to run for President.

Above: Not coming to a theater near you.


Above: The budget of "Iron Man" skyrocketed when its highly-disciplined star Robert Downey Jr. unneccesarily insisted that effects artists render a CGI version of him inside the CGI "Iron Man" suit as it would help his "process"...

Of course, "Iron Man" was an enormous gamble on behalf of its investors, who had to ask themselves a serious question: Can a well-scripted, perfectly-cast special effects driven vehicle with an enormous budget based upon a beloved comic book franchise make a dent in the summer box office?

True, it seemed like a bold move, but a quick look at the graph below would have set the minds of these investors at ease. As you can see, while public awareness of how awesome "Iron Man" is has grown, especially since the release of the "Iron Man" trailer, the actual level of awesomeness of "Iron Man" has remained relatively consistent since his debut in March of 1969, in Marvel Comics' Tales of Suspense #39.






With the remarkable and unexpected success of "Iron Man", Hollywood quickly rolled out an extensive line up of other Hero-based movies.


Above: About 8.6 gagillion dollars in box office receipts.

Heroes are pretty much always great. Whether they have capes, whips, cool hats, or are played by Robert Downey Jr., there is so much to recommend that we'd like to state, right now, that we are almost wholly endorsing the Hero trend. Having said that, as always there are precautions the consumer must take before pursuing Heroes.

The wide variety of Heroes may make them difficult for the consumer to identify. Here we have included some tips to help you be sure you've found a hero:

-He's* gotta be strong
-He's* gotta be fast
-He's* gotta be fresh from the fight
-He's* gotta be sure
-And it's gotta be soon
-And he's* gotta be larger than life
-Larger than life

*in some cases, this could also be "She's"

In rare cases, the consumer may so identify with his or her favorite Heroes that he or she may come to believe that he or she is, in fact, a Hero him or herself.

If you feel that there is any possiblity you fall into this category, experts advise you to remember that there's a hero, if you look inside your heart, you don't have to be afraid of what you are. There's an answer if you reach into your soul, and the sorrow that you know will melt away. And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive. So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong. And you'll finally see the truth; that a hero lies in you. It's a long road when you face the world alone. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within yourself. And the emptiness you felt will disappear. Lord knows dreams are hard to follow. But don't let anyone tear them away. Just hold on. There will be tomorrow, and in time you'll find the way.



Above: Spider-Man.
...
...
I mean, no real reason or anything. I just think Spider-Man is awesome.

Consumers should also be aware of two possible hazards. One, the Fallen Hero, and two, the not-the-same-kind-of-Hero-we're talking about.

Fallen Heroes can be especially hard to spot (see fig. 985.B), especially since they often seem, at a young age, to (1) possess super-human abilities and intuition. As they get older, they still seem kind of heroic, but it's important to look for signs that they may fall from grace. These signs include (2) arrogance, whininess, disobedience, awkward speech patterns, and a general sense of douche-bagginess. If your hero starts displaying more severe signs, such as (3) getting dangerously close to a Dark Lord of the Sith, murdering one or more of his peers/elders, or having eyes that turn red, suggestive of the all-consuming anger, fear, and hatred that burns within, it may be time to give up on your hero before he or she becomes (4) a barely-human, power-hungry, walking machination shadow-of-the-good-man-he-once-was-who-is-no-more totalitarian agent of evil, bent on controlling the galaxy and haphazardly, passively killing off his own allies simply because they make a mistake and he is displeased.


It should be noted, however, that the Force works in mysterious ways and your hero may rise again to save his child and, as his last act of humanity, destroy the embodiment of evil, tragically killing himself in the process, but freeing his Jedi-spirit to dwell eternally with Force.




Fig. 985.B


By now, we trust you are well-versed enough in Herodom that you would be able to identify which one, among the items below, is the kind of hero we're talking about.


Above: It's "C". You got that, right? (Notice the cape)

RATING: ***1/2 (out of 4)

BOTTOM LINE: I, I can remember standing by the wall. And the guns shot above our heads, and we kissed as though nothing would fall. And the shame was on the other side. Oh, we can beat them forever and ever. Then we can be Heroes, just for one day.

Cook Wins! M(R)V Vindicated! Special Finale (Re)View by Lilit Marcus!! Exclamation Points!!!

As we recently predicted, David Archuleta, who is totally awful in every way, lost American Idol Season 7 last night to the incredible David Cook, who is just totally freakin' retardedly great.

Above: At left, the loser and his freak hand. At right, DAVID COOK!

Further evidence that M(R)V is the most significant and influential publication in the world? Perhaps.

But you could only make that argument if you consider the fact that over 9 billion viewers* tuned in last night and David Cook won by the widest margin in history, just days after our report. So let's not jump to conclusions.

*ish

The esteemed Lilit Marcus of Save the Assistants turned in this review of the spectacular finale!:

I had this feeling cook was going to win as soon as simon said he rewatched the tapes and realized he didn't give cook enough credit. You also have to see Cook performing with ZZ Top. I hate ZZ Top too, but David Cook can make pretty much anything good.

And Brooke did a duet with Graham Nash which was AWESOME!

And Castro did a full length "Hallelujah"!

But that goddamn Coldplay commercial was on like 50 times yesterday.

And Paula's tits kept almost falling out

Anyway, like half of last night was worth watching.

Archuleta's duet was beyond annoying.

There were some great moments, some annoying sponsor-related moments (an interminable ad for "The Love Guru," both Davids reenacting the same "Guitar Hero" commercial), and some major WTF? moments (George Michael's performance, whatever the heck Carrie Underwood was wearing).

Oh, also, [2007 winner] Jordin [Sparks] wore this HORRIBLE gold dress that looked like it was made of foil! She's not offensively bad like taylor.

Oh, they are both very not awesome. (More like "Under-WOULDN'T!!!" Snap! -Ed.)

David Cook's well-deserved victory... (Wait! Hold on! Let's see more of that! -Ed.)

Above: Nice.

...was a bittersweet one. Instead of wearing the orange band around his wrist, it was tied around his hand, causing many to speculate that Adam's (Adam is David Cook's dying brother. -Ed.) condition had turned more serious. [Had] David Archuleta [the ablitity to express emotion, he would have] seemed genuinely thrilled for his friend and competitor, and gathered the other finalists on stage with him to cheer David Cook [who is AWESOME] on. In my opinion, this year's finale--in spite of George Michael--is the best one since Kelly Clarkson's original victory. Sometimes people argue over whether the winner should be the best singer or the best person.

This year, we got both. -L.M.

Archuleta

Overview: David Archuleta is totally lame. So why is he a finalist on American Idol, and what are his chances of winning? M(R)V previews tonight's exciting David v. David showdown, and explores the Archuleta phenomenon.

David Archuleta is the talented 17-year-old co-finalist from the current season of American Idol. Born in Florida - in freakin' 1990, right around the time that "U Can't Touch This" came out and thus obviously not old enough to be doing anything -and bred (I won't say "raised" because he's 17 and thus still pretty much an infant who should never have gone on Idol in the first place) in Utah (See if you can guess why! Go ahead. Utah? Guess! Anything?), David Archuleta is a souless cretin and former Star Search winner.



Above: Uh...yeah. Nice scarf. And why do I feel so cold and empty when I see your eyes? That's creepy.

Archuleta's fanbase is mostly among tweens, who usually look something like this:


Above: LOL TWEENS

Tweens have also endorsed and made famous the following things:

-The Olson Twins

-"Bratz" Dolls

-Aaron Carter

-Nick Carter

-"The Suite Life of Zack and Cody"

-Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus

-"Small Wonder"*

-And much, much, much, much more

*Probably

It is worth noting that many of the items listed above are not suitable for, or directed at, a consumer base of fully-functioning, self-aware adults who care about anything and wish to be happy and not creeped out, and who often have taste in things.

Above: Ugh...is it possible he was actually creepier and more annoying when he was little(er...than he his now)?

However, America is structured in such a way that we all must listen to what the tweens say and want (like Evangelical Christians) even when the majority of Americans think what they want is annoying. Tweens are known to throw tantrums when they don't get their way. Such tantrums may occur when...


Above: Sorry to interupt, but look at this! The hand thing. What is that? Always with the hand...AND OPEN YOUR EYES, Archuleta!!! Jesus.

...the tween is not allowed to go to Michelle Robinson's party, the tween cannot have Miley Cyrus tickets for her birthday, the tween will not be going to school dressed like *that*, and when David Archuleta doesn't win American Idol.

Which will happen.

Him not winning, I mean.

Above: Look! LOOK! I'm not making this up! Even at the freakin' AUDITION (bottom right). Even when he's not even "singing" (bottom center)...ALWAYS THE HAND. PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, Archuleta...It's creepy! There's a lot more of these...

Ugh...



Above: Ugh...

What else? Umm...oh, right.
Archuleta became a favorite among the judges when he sang that John Lennon song about fascism, Imagine, which I've always hated anyway. But he was just sooOOOoooOOooOOOoo good, and totally blew the judges away (dawg). And apparently he's going to do the same song tonight (remember? Because it was sooOOOoooOOooOOOoo good?) Maybe this time Simon Cowell won't be high and maybe then he'll realize Archuleta blows and is creepy.



Above: I. Am. Obviously. Dead. In. Side.

God I hate you, Archuleta.

RATING: negative********************************* times a million bajillion zillion (out of 4)

BOTTOM LINE: Two pieces of good news.

One: Archuleta will come in second, and so did Clay Aiken and we never heard from him again!*

TWO: I got twelve words for you, Archuleta! David. Cook. Is. Singing. "I. Still. Haven't. Found. What. I'm. Looking. For." Oh, are you scared? Are you SCARED, Archuleta?? "Imagine" suddenly not sounding like such an awesome choice next to the double-awesomeness of Bono plus David Cook equals YOU LOSE???? EAT IT!

*F#%K!

Above: Goddamn right.

(Your)Views - Letters to the Editor

At M(R)V, we do what we do for the benefit of our readers. So it's always rewarding, gratifying, and -most importantly- helpful for us to hear what you have to say about the important work we're doing.

Every month, the M(R)V mail room is flooded with letters from readers, and our e-mail inbox is metaphorically flooded with e-letters.

We can't address all of them in print, but rest assured they are all read and deeply considered. Here is a sampling of some of the feedback we've recieved in the last 30 days:

NOTE: Portions of the above letter have been redacted for reasons of national security.

Dear Jeff,

Thank you for that feedback! We only have one thing to say: If "cases of professional journalism" and "instances of accuracy" constitute "errors" in this day and age, we mourn the state of journalism!! But we get what you're trying to say, and we appreciate the nod.

-Ed.

This next letter was presumably intended as response to our review of Cats

Dear Ashley,

We would first like to state, in our defense, that at no point in our review did we specifically single out your cat, Perkins, and as such clearly made no judgements one way or the other as to whether Perkins was or was not friendly.

At M(R)V we try to take a balanced, non-biased approach to our work, and we are aware that the conclusion we utlimately reach may not be iron-clad and without exception. Rather, they are meant as a kind of "litmus test" for the overall use, effectiveness, and appeal of a product, as in the case of Cats which are, by and large, useless, obnoxious, stupid, loud, lazy hell-spawn. That you find "Perkins" to be "friendly" just proves that there is a vast array of taste among the wider consumer pool, and that much of that taste may be misguided or rooted in delusion and/or insanity, as we assume may or may not be the case with you.

We appreciate your input.

-Ed.

This next letter is in response to our piece about Baseball. It came via e-mail from reader hksteinbrenner@yankees.com

Dear My(Re)Views-

Don't make any mistake about it: Our team in the late 90s beat everybody, and we beat everybody because we were that much better than everybody. And they had just as many players doing stuff - all the teams. I guarantee you go through every team in baseball, and they all have the same basic percentage of players doing stuff. They just weren't as good as us. You think the Red Sox didn't have players doing stuff back then? Give me a break. They just weren't as good as us, and neither was anybody else.

You've got to win. Otherwise, there's no reason being in it.

We want to win; it's that simple. We're both kind of struggling. We just need to win. They just need to win. We just need to keep putting wins in the win column. We've got to start racking up some runs.

But as far as missing the playoffs - if we miss the playoffs by the end of this year, I don't know how patient I'll be. But it won't be against the players. It won't be a matter of that. It will be a matter of maybe certain people in the organization could have done something else.

I don't want anybody on my team that doesn't want to be a Yankee.


Dear hksteinbrenner,

Sure. Whatever.

-Ed.