Archuleta

Overview: David Archuleta is totally lame. So why is he a finalist on American Idol, and what are his chances of winning? M(R)V previews tonight's exciting David v. David showdown, and explores the Archuleta phenomenon.

David Archuleta is the talented 17-year-old co-finalist from the current season of American Idol. Born in Florida - in freakin' 1990, right around the time that "U Can't Touch This" came out and thus obviously not old enough to be doing anything -and bred (I won't say "raised" because he's 17 and thus still pretty much an infant who should never have gone on Idol in the first place) in Utah (See if you can guess why! Go ahead. Utah? Guess! Anything?), David Archuleta is a souless cretin and former Star Search winner.



Above: Uh...yeah. Nice scarf. And why do I feel so cold and empty when I see your eyes? That's creepy.

Archuleta's fanbase is mostly among tweens, who usually look something like this:


Above: LOL TWEENS

Tweens have also endorsed and made famous the following things:

-The Olson Twins

-"Bratz" Dolls

-Aaron Carter

-Nick Carter

-"The Suite Life of Zack and Cody"

-Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus

-"Small Wonder"*

-And much, much, much, much more

*Probably

It is worth noting that many of the items listed above are not suitable for, or directed at, a consumer base of fully-functioning, self-aware adults who care about anything and wish to be happy and not creeped out, and who often have taste in things.

Above: Ugh...is it possible he was actually creepier and more annoying when he was little(er...than he his now)?

However, America is structured in such a way that we all must listen to what the tweens say and want (like Evangelical Christians) even when the majority of Americans think what they want is annoying. Tweens are known to throw tantrums when they don't get their way. Such tantrums may occur when...


Above: Sorry to interupt, but look at this! The hand thing. What is that? Always with the hand...AND OPEN YOUR EYES, Archuleta!!! Jesus.

...the tween is not allowed to go to Michelle Robinson's party, the tween cannot have Miley Cyrus tickets for her birthday, the tween will not be going to school dressed like *that*, and when David Archuleta doesn't win American Idol.

Which will happen.

Him not winning, I mean.

Above: Look! LOOK! I'm not making this up! Even at the freakin' AUDITION (bottom right). Even when he's not even "singing" (bottom center)...ALWAYS THE HAND. PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, Archuleta...It's creepy! There's a lot more of these...

Ugh...



Above: Ugh...

What else? Umm...oh, right.
Archuleta became a favorite among the judges when he sang that John Lennon song about fascism, Imagine, which I've always hated anyway. But he was just sooOOOoooOOooOOOoo good, and totally blew the judges away (dawg). And apparently he's going to do the same song tonight (remember? Because it was sooOOOoooOOooOOOoo good?) Maybe this time Simon Cowell won't be high and maybe then he'll realize Archuleta blows and is creepy.



Above: I. Am. Obviously. Dead. In. Side.

God I hate you, Archuleta.

RATING: negative********************************* times a million bajillion zillion (out of 4)

BOTTOM LINE: Two pieces of good news.

One: Archuleta will come in second, and so did Clay Aiken and we never heard from him again!*

TWO: I got twelve words for you, Archuleta! David. Cook. Is. Singing. "I. Still. Haven't. Found. What. I'm. Looking. For." Oh, are you scared? Are you SCARED, Archuleta?? "Imagine" suddenly not sounding like such an awesome choice next to the double-awesomeness of Bono plus David Cook equals YOU LOSE???? EAT IT!

*F#%K!

Above: Goddamn right.