Heroes

OVERVIEW: Heroes! They live in shadows, perched on the rooftops, guarding the night like the gods of old! They seek not reward, nor fame, nor glory...they seek only to protect, to bring justice, and occasionally to find treasure, overcome personal inadequacies, or bury psychological demons associated with childhood trauma. With the new, out-of-nowhere Hollywood blockbusters "Iron Man" and "Indiana Jones and The Alien Skull-Thing of Doom", Heroes* really seem to have captured the minds (and wallets!) of the American public. What's that up in the sky? It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a market trend!

*but not the NBC show "Heroes", which has by now been largely forgotten

Go to your local Megaplex these days and you're not likely to find too many Rom-Coms*, Period Dramas, or Indie-Docudramas.

*industry speak for "Julia Roberts/Kate Hudon movies"

No, Hollywood has taken a bold step forward. Capitalizing on the general popularity of Heroes in the wake of 9/11*, the major movie studios have gone Hero-crazy. No fewer than all movies slated for release this summer feature some sort of Hero, whether they be the Super variety ("Iron Man", "Batman Begins Returns", "The Incredible Hulk", "Hancock"), the Anti variety("The Incredible Hulk", "Hancock", "Wanted"), Hometown ("The Happening", "The Promotion"), Unlikely ("Kung Fu Panda", "Don't Mess with the Zohan", "Get Smart", "WALL*E"), Post-Feminist ("Sex and the City", "Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl", "He's Just Not That Into You"), Tortured ("The X-Files"), Archeologists, or Brendan Fraser ("Journey to the Center of the Earth", "The Mummy 3").

*NOTE: the sorts of Heroes associated with 9/11 don't actually have movies made about them. Or, well, sometimes they do, but they're directed by Oliver Stone and sort of suck.

Other types of Hero not featured in movies include Guitar and War. The former tends to exist mostly within the confines of the imaginary relationship between socially awkward twenty-somethings and their Playstation 3, while the latter tends to run for President.

Above: Not coming to a theater near you.


Above: The budget of "Iron Man" skyrocketed when its highly-disciplined star Robert Downey Jr. unneccesarily insisted that effects artists render a CGI version of him inside the CGI "Iron Man" suit as it would help his "process"...

Of course, "Iron Man" was an enormous gamble on behalf of its investors, who had to ask themselves a serious question: Can a well-scripted, perfectly-cast special effects driven vehicle with an enormous budget based upon a beloved comic book franchise make a dent in the summer box office?

True, it seemed like a bold move, but a quick look at the graph below would have set the minds of these investors at ease. As you can see, while public awareness of how awesome "Iron Man" is has grown, especially since the release of the "Iron Man" trailer, the actual level of awesomeness of "Iron Man" has remained relatively consistent since his debut in March of 1969, in Marvel Comics' Tales of Suspense #39.






With the remarkable and unexpected success of "Iron Man", Hollywood quickly rolled out an extensive line up of other Hero-based movies.


Above: About 8.6 gagillion dollars in box office receipts.

Heroes are pretty much always great. Whether they have capes, whips, cool hats, or are played by Robert Downey Jr., there is so much to recommend that we'd like to state, right now, that we are almost wholly endorsing the Hero trend. Having said that, as always there are precautions the consumer must take before pursuing Heroes.

The wide variety of Heroes may make them difficult for the consumer to identify. Here we have included some tips to help you be sure you've found a hero:

-He's* gotta be strong
-He's* gotta be fast
-He's* gotta be fresh from the fight
-He's* gotta be sure
-And it's gotta be soon
-And he's* gotta be larger than life
-Larger than life

*in some cases, this could also be "She's"

In rare cases, the consumer may so identify with his or her favorite Heroes that he or she may come to believe that he or she is, in fact, a Hero him or herself.

If you feel that there is any possiblity you fall into this category, experts advise you to remember that there's a hero, if you look inside your heart, you don't have to be afraid of what you are. There's an answer if you reach into your soul, and the sorrow that you know will melt away. And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive. So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong. And you'll finally see the truth; that a hero lies in you. It's a long road when you face the world alone. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within yourself. And the emptiness you felt will disappear. Lord knows dreams are hard to follow. But don't let anyone tear them away. Just hold on. There will be tomorrow, and in time you'll find the way.



Above: Spider-Man.
...
...
I mean, no real reason or anything. I just think Spider-Man is awesome.

Consumers should also be aware of two possible hazards. One, the Fallen Hero, and two, the not-the-same-kind-of-Hero-we're talking about.

Fallen Heroes can be especially hard to spot (see fig. 985.B), especially since they often seem, at a young age, to (1) possess super-human abilities and intuition. As they get older, they still seem kind of heroic, but it's important to look for signs that they may fall from grace. These signs include (2) arrogance, whininess, disobedience, awkward speech patterns, and a general sense of douche-bagginess. If your hero starts displaying more severe signs, such as (3) getting dangerously close to a Dark Lord of the Sith, murdering one or more of his peers/elders, or having eyes that turn red, suggestive of the all-consuming anger, fear, and hatred that burns within, it may be time to give up on your hero before he or she becomes (4) a barely-human, power-hungry, walking machination shadow-of-the-good-man-he-once-was-who-is-no-more totalitarian agent of evil, bent on controlling the galaxy and haphazardly, passively killing off his own allies simply because they make a mistake and he is displeased.


It should be noted, however, that the Force works in mysterious ways and your hero may rise again to save his child and, as his last act of humanity, destroy the embodiment of evil, tragically killing himself in the process, but freeing his Jedi-spirit to dwell eternally with Force.




Fig. 985.B


By now, we trust you are well-versed enough in Herodom that you would be able to identify which one, among the items below, is the kind of hero we're talking about.


Above: It's "C". You got that, right? (Notice the cape)

RATING: ***1/2 (out of 4)

BOTTOM LINE: I, I can remember standing by the wall. And the guns shot above our heads, and we kissed as though nothing would fall. And the shame was on the other side. Oh, we can beat them forever and ever. Then we can be Heroes, just for one day.