Women

Overview: Women have long been considered among the most popular genders. In the interest of full disclosure, I should make it known that my own mother, throughout my childhood and continuing on to this very day, is a woman, and I can say, first-hand, that there is a lot to be said about having one around. The world of women used to be a lot less complicated, but, recently, women have been marketed to a much broader and diverse audience. Are women worth the trouble, and, if so, which one/ones is/are right for you?

(Note: This topic was recommended for research and review by Kari Pepper, a woman.)


Above: Women

For many generations, women were presented in a pretty straight-forward, easy to handle, and unimaginative way. Women used to be easily identifiable. The features to look out for included long hair and the wearing of skirts or dresses as opposed to pants.


Above: The formerly typical woman, including all “tell-tale” features.


Thanks to growing demand and interest in women, this is no longer the case, and it’s not just because some women now wear pants and have short hair.


Above: k.d. lang is not only among the most famous short-haired pants-wearing women today, she is also a key example of the many targeted demographics of what is called the “new audience” to whom women are being marketed.


Outside of the immediately obvious visual cues that gave women away, women were also traditionally identified both by their lack of job-having and also lack of degree-from-an-accredited-college-having. They were usually found in kitchens and could often be surrounded by children.


An artist’s rendition of the traditional “woman”. Note the clearly suggested “kitchen” setting and the lack of this woman being in an office building.


That’s not always true today, however. More and more, and depending on which part of the world you live in, you are likely to encounter women who present few if any of these qualities.


Above: How do you even know this is a woman? Do you have a sharp eye? The relatively long hair is the only immediately obvious way to tell.

But despite the potential confusion and complications that can arise from the new women’s market, the burgeoning diversity and variety may actually play to your favor.

These days, it seems no matter what somebody’s interest, there may actually be an entire woman available to meet those interests.

Let’s say, for example, you enjoy listening to rock music. Well, fifty years ago, you weren’t likely to find a woman with whom you could listen to said rock music. You were even less likely to be in position wherein you could use your interest in rock music as a means of acquiring, or “picking up”, a woman of your own. These days, however, a similar, compatible taste in rock music can be all that is required in order to find oneself in good standing in the women’s market. Furthermore, this standing can be greatly enhanced if an individual knows how to play his own rock music. In these cases, women will often disregard a woeful lack of talent and lack of physical attractiveness in favor of the mere fact that said individual can play the guitar.



Above: Foreground- A physically unattractive and unskilled rock musician. Background – a diverse mix of “new women” rock music fans.


In fact, the types and varieties of women have expanded so much that, in recent years, some women have become such enthusiasts of rock music that they’ve actually learned how to perform it themselves.


“Joan Jett” – an example of the rare “rock musician” variety of woman.


It may be reassuring, then, that even in the face of uncontrolled and rapid expansion rate of woman varieties, and in spite of the fact that they are no longer reliably identifiable by outward physical traits, a majority of women have retained two consistent features: they can often be identified by the fact that they a) smell really good and b) are soft.

In fact, for many enthusiasts, these two appealing characteristics can override potentially unfavorable aspects of certain women, and without question the market has remained strong by deliberately sticking to these two “selling points”. Like nicotine in cigarettes or the deliciousness of high-sugar snacks, softness and good-smellingness often persuade enthusiasts to sustain their interest in something that may not be in their best interest or even good for their health.

These traits may even be present in seemingly unlikely forms of women. Take, for instance, the relatively new “woman athlete” variety. Some women athletes have long hair, and some of these, like field hockey players also wear skirts while engaging in their sport, which does serve to offset the potential confusion that may arise from seeing women in such an unorthodox setting. Additionally, and surprisingly, many of these types of women also still manage to be soft and to smell good, despite the common understanding that athletes are normally “rough around the edges” and “sweaty”.



Is Mia Hamm (above right) soft and good-smelling? Yeah, probably.


But the variety of types of women is not the only thing to have changed over the past few years: the variety of types of women enthusiasts have also changed. Market researchers have done careful and thoughtful studies and marketed certain women to certain key audiences. For years, it was thought that only heterosexual males could appreciate women, but that’s all changed now.

One example of a woman that both the male and female audience seem to agree on is called “Angelina Jolie”. Apparently, women seem to like Angelina Jolie for her “tough-girl” (sometimes spelled “grrl”) demeanor, her apparent bisexuality, and free-spirited independence. On the other hand, men find her equally appealing, largely because of her absurd degree of physical attractiveness.



Above: Hot


Then there are women who are marketed exclusively to other women and who most men will only find appealing if they have a) good taste in music b) an interest in reading mediocre books at roughly the same time as the rest of the nation, or c) an admiration for the unbearable sound of a screeching owl.



Above: Ani Difranco, Oprah, and Rachel Ray; Notable examples of A, B, and C, respectively.

In recent years, many innovative minds have even found ways to tap into a market previously viewed as “off-limits” or “unsellable” – what is called “the gay man” market. Believe it or not, gay men are now being presented with their very own versions of women! These women are of absolutely no interest to members of the opposite gender or sexual orientation, yet this fresh new market will sometimes pay hundreds of dollars just to be within the range of vision of these women, even though they will be surrounded by thousands of other men!



Above: They said it couldn’t be done…


Which is not to say that the more traditional markets have been excluded. Quite the opposite! In fact, in the late 1990s, a new sort of woman caught the public’s eye and, for a time, many believed this one to have been the perfect woman. It was called “Natalie Portman”


Above: Jesus…Seriously?

Excitement began to build among woman enthusiasts for some time, especially among traditional audiences, until flaws in Natalie Portman began to emerge, such as veganism, “Anywhere But Here”, the fact that your girlfriend can’t stand her, and, more recently, “The Other Boleyn Girl”.

The point being, it’s a complicated world of women out there! And, as such, the research necessary for this report proved to take much longer than usual. Over the past few years (yes…years!), I have immersed myself in the world of women, taking special care to note behavioral patterns, study their slight differences and obvious similarities, and find various ways to fit them into my life.

One of the most popular ways is called “having a girlfriend”, or its slight variant, “having a wife”. In this arrangement, one is expected to enter in to a long-term commitment with one woman and to have either none or extremely limited contact and/or interaction with any other women. For many, this can be extremely taxing, and so it is my first-hand recommendation that you heavily weigh the pros and cons of the specific woman before agreeing to such an arrangement. It should also be pointed out that you may not have the necessary standing to enter in to such an arrangement with certain women. This becomes increasingly more likely depending on the particular woman’s combined levels of intelligence and attractiveness as measured in favorable proportion to other women. For instance, the girl who played Winnie on “The Wonder Years”, who is now a scientist or something and also notably hot is a very good example of someone who probably wouldn’t date you.


Yeah, no.


But perhaps the most important thing to remember about women is that, unlike other popular things, such as Cheez-Its and mountain bikes, women are sentient, self-aware beings, meaning they are capable of both emotions and free-thought. This can make any and all interactions with women challenging, as, in many cases, I found that the specific emotional responses women displayed to their surroundings and/or experiences random and unpredictable at best.



Above: Have you been paying attention? Which of these three things is a woman? (Hint: Remember what has been said about a woman’s ability to “display emotion”.


Worse, the novice who has taken only a recent interest in women may take these emotional responses as an indication that a woman is “psycho” or “crazy”, when, in fact, if you’d only have told her in advance that you would rather watch the Superbowl with your friends (even though, as far as she can recall, you don’t even really care about football!) than watch The Notebook, because it is Sunday and Sunday is “date night” (and it’s not like sitting at home eating ordered-in Thai and watching a movie that came out three years ago is that much of an exciting “date” anyway! She means, it wouldn’t kill you to actually go out to dinner, or see an actual band play, or, god forbid, go to a museum for once…), but, yeah, if you’d only have said something in advance, then it totally wouldn’t have been a big deal at all.

Common scenarios of this type can often lead the novice to assume that he has come across some kind of defect and he may then consider abandoning this particular woman for a new one that, presumably, would not share the same characteristics. This is not the case. This sort of behavior is neither an indication of defectiveness nor likely possible to be any different simply by substituting one woman for another.

So, yes, my research had its ups and downs. I found it just as easy to fall out of favor with women as I did to come into favor with women (Note: though it would seem that amassing as many simultaneous relationships with women as possible would position you in greater stead with individual women, under the logical supposition that a clear and large cross-section of the woman population coming to a favorable consensus about you as you relate to women would make individual women more likely to trust and openly embrace you, this is not at all the case. At all. And will, in fact, result in a woman-response most experts call "jealousy" which most men find difficult or even impossible to resolve. Remember, when interacting with women, it is best to ignore logic.)

Still, the ups and downs always proved worth it, because, at the end of the day, women proved to smell good. And be soft. Plus, they sometimes make you feel better when you're sad.

RATING: ***1/2 (out of 4)

BOTTOM LINE: Women absolutely have what it takes to make it in this world. You can expect them to stick around for a long time!
No, I know they don’t have to stick around. Right, no, I know that it’s their right to decide where to go and when. I’m not saying that at all! I just meant I think there will always be a place for women in the world. What do you mean “what do I mean when I say ‘I think’”? I mean…I don’t know…I just. Wait, come back!