Men

Overview: Another very popular gender is known as Men. Men have actually remained prominent and influential for many years despite several innovative attempts to end their dominance and ubiquity and what appears to be no discernibly obvious logic or reasoning behind their popularity. Are men on their way out?

Above: Men

Before making any conclusive judgments about men, it is important to take in some of the history that has led to what we now know as the “modern man”.

Specifically, it is important to understand that men descended from a species very similar to what we now know as “Apes”.

Above: As accurate a depiction of early Man as possible, as interpreted by Hollywood filmmakers.

Unlike apes, however, modern men are capable of rudimentary tasks, such as filling cups with beer, making hand gestures or “signs”, and partially clothing themselves.

Above: How far we’ve come.

This was made possible by a process scientists call evolution, whereby a species merely reproduces itself over the course of hundreds of thousands or millions of years, gradually learning new skills and developing a better and more thorough sense of intelligence, compassion, and awareness. Many men are now capable of learning these basic human traits within the course of a single lifetime, though most appear to catch on to them slowly and only fully grasp such concepts late in life.

Above: Awww…remember James Garner in “The Notebook”? Yeah…

While men rarely seem to rise above the level of mediocrity, it is only fair to point out that, tucked away in history, are a few examples of men who have made great contributions.

For instance, Christopher Columbus. If one overlooks the fact that Columbus committed atrocities against human nature such as murder, the sanctioning of rape, and the forcing of indigenous people into slavery, then one can look at Columbus as the man who took credit for discovering America, and also responsible for inventing what is now known as the modern three-day weekend.

Above: The noble inventor of the four-day work week.

Another good example is Thomas Jefferson. If one overlooks the fact that Thomas Jefferson owned slaves and impregnated one of those slaves while she was a teenager, one should admire Jefferson for inventing a form of government called Democracy, which, to this very day, many admirable Americans have valiantly attempted to make a reality in the face of constant, unceasing, and highly organized resistance!

Above: The man who made P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die!” campaign possible.

More recent innovative men include Country/Easy Listening singer Elvis Presley, who despite an apparently abusive temper, an enduring dependence on illegal drugs, and that he got fat and went batshit crazy before his premature death, still managed to take credit for the invention of Rock N’ Roll!

Above: Do you like Rock N’ Roll? Then you are legally required to pay lip service to this man!

It is important to remember that these exceptional men are not the norm, however.

Men have a number of downsides, and, as such, there have been attempts by others to “elbow in” on their prominent market share. The first person to do so may have been Queen Elizabeth I, who slyly edged her way into the men-only position of King by renaming the position Queen and doing basically the same job…a man’s job.

Above: Ooo! Look at the lady riding her fancy horse with her “army”. Whatever, I could totally do that.

Perversely, Elizabeth’s time as fake King lasted much longer than most anticipated, firstly because no one could find a good reason to behead her and secondly because she lived to be 69 years of age, which, at the time of her rule (the late 1500s, also know, for I’m sure completely unrelated and entirely coincidental reasons, as “The Elizabethan Period”), was the equivalent of being like 500 years old, since the average life expectancy at the time was 12.

Luckily for men, the grotesque and unqualified failure of the “Elizabeth Experiment” left competitors scrambling for a fresh idea, and this would take them nearly 300 years. This new threat’s name was Susan B. Anthony, who thought the best way to negatively impact the popularity of men was to attempt to participate in the sacred, men-only ritual of voting.

Above: Hater

Again, much to the favor of men, even this small, barely note-worthy milestone has not yet yielded any non-man Presidents and has done little to impact the overall prominence of men.

In fact, one of the most popular men today, Barack Obama, has spent millions of dollars to ensure that this remains the case!

Above: Yes. We. Can!

Still, nothing survives the competitive commodities market without adapting to new demands for diversity, and thus a few new varieties of men have been unveiled in recent years to help secure a multiple-demographic market share. One example of this is called David Beckham.

Above: Sure, he has an IQ somewhere around room temperature, but still…

David Beckham is the prototype of what is known as the metrosexual, or a man who exhibits traditional “man qualities”, like athleticism, average-to-low-intelligence, and being married to wooden trophy wives, all the while paying careful and obvious attention to traditional “woman qualities”, like personal hygiene and fashion. This makes David Beckham appealing to a vast and diverse audience, such as soccer hooligans, gay men, and Posh Spice.

Above: David Beckham’s rich fanbase.

Appealing to different, if similar, audiences, a slight variation on the cross-demographic metrosexual is known as Johnny Depp.

Above: C’mon, who doesn’t love Johnny Depp?

In fact, research has shown the mere existence of Johnny Depp can sustain the popularity of men in the minds of consumers despite continued insensitivity, arrogance, thoughtlessness, and lack of physical attractiveness among actual men!

Another example of a new variety of man is called George Clooney.

Above: Oh, George Clooney…

George Clooney, with his unending charm, his sly, endearing smile, his strong, proud jaw line, and his deep, dark eyes that transport you to a magical world of dreamscapes and lullabies, was introduced to sustain the fantasy that there really are good, smart, talented, charming men with progressive ideals and healthy attitudes towards women out there if you just look hard enough.

This is, of course, not true, and efforts of replicating George Clooney on a mass scale have proven fruitless. Still, the mass appeal of George Clooney to every living man, woman, and child on the planet has arguably kept men from “falling off the charts”, so to speak. So strong is the appeal of George Clooney that should he engage in activities that would generally be considered outrageous and atrocious, such as devouring live kittens, this would actually be perceived as “quirky” and “endearing”.

The secret to the prolonged and unceasing success of men, aside from a deep-rooted, entrenched and centuries-old tradition of a patriarchal cultural stranglehold, may be the commoditization of what is known as the almost-believable-but-still-completely-fictional “Good Man”. The most famous of these was invented (believe it or not!) by a canny, female marketing genius named Jane Austen, who managed to sustain unattainable ideals of men in the hearts and minds of consumers for generations with her creation, “The Mr. Darcy”. In the late twentieth century, in an effort to keep the product fresh and relevant, The Mr. Darcy model was updated with a sleek new appearance, called Colin Firth.

Above: Quiz yourself! If this man came to you and said, in a charming English accent, “In vain have I struggled. It will never do. My feelings will not be repressed.You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you”, wouldn’t the whole world just melt away from right beneath you? Yeah...
He won't, though.

But what of men in real life? First, as you will recall from our previous review of Women, traditional modes of identifying men, such as short hair and pants, can no longer be trusted. It is important to look for more subtle clues, such as the secret and unorthodox modes of communication in which they engage. Seldom will men refer to one another as “men”, so if you overhear two individuals referring to each other as “dude”, “bro”, “dudebro”, or “man” (this last one being a slang term for “anybody” that men use to identify each other or just people in general, occasionally as a superlative, such as in the case of the phrase “Dudebro, you’re the man!”), or, alternatively, if you see two individuals high-fiving each other as a result of modest achievements, such as getting the first question right on a pub quiz, or even the achievements of others, over which they have had no impact, such as their favorite football team scoring a touchdown, then you can safely assume that you have encountered one or more men.

Above: Touchdown!!

Interactions with men in real life can prove shockingly easy to initiate, though the rewards for doing so may vary greatly. If you are interested enough in men that you feel you may want to add one to your home, it is advised that you begin your research in an area with a typically high population of men. These include sports bars and regular bars.

But even in such places, it is not possible to conclude immediately if a particular man is interested in you. According to experts, one way to at least eliminate certain men on sight is via something called a “pink shirt”. For instance, if you are a woman at a regular bar and a man is very nice to you, seems courteous, is interested in the same things as you, and is wearing a pink shirt in the form of a t-shirt, this is probably not an indication of the sort of man who will make a lasting addition to your home, though he may be the sort of man who will make you feel better about your appearance and level of attractiveness.

If, conversely, you are in a sports bar and you find a man wearing a pink shirt, this is an indication that this man is what enthusiasts and specialists call a “douche bag”. “Douche bags” give relatively decent men a bad name and should be avoided at all costs.

Above: Tooooooooooooooooooooooootal douche.

Otherwise, the best way to endear yourself to a man is to think of absolutely anything to say to him. If you simply approach a non-pink-shirt-wearing man sitting at a bar and say anything at all, you may be greeted with a momentary period of confusion, wherein the man will say something like, “Sorry…me?” and point to himself for clarification.

Upon verifying that said man was the recipient of the anything that you said to him, the man will subsequently respond with a string of replies that, in terms of word count and topic changes, will likely far outdo your initial remark.

For instance, suppose you were to say something like, “God, it’s (description of weather) out there (time of day at when remark is being made), right?”

The response could be something like, “Oh, yeah, totally! Man (remember…slang! He doesn’t think you’re an actual man!), I hate this weather! God…and I totally didn’t remember to bring my umbrella/wear shorts/take a jacket. I’m freakin’ soaked/sweating my ass off/freezing. This sucks. But I just thought I’d come out here with buddies and drink it off, y’know? Do you like beer? Can I buy you a drink? What kind do you like? Hey, do you like Radiohead?”

This will be sufficient for you to have “bought” yourself some time with this man so as you can make an informed decision as to whether you would like to continue your relationship with him or move on to other, possibly less-uninteresting and self-absorbed men.

But it is always important to keep in mind that none of them will be Mr. Darcy.

Still, at the end of the day, men are worth it! Really! Because, after all, they mean well.

Well, most of them, anyway.

Okay, some of them.

RATING: N/A

BOTTOM LINE: Whatever, dude. I’m only into girls. High five!